Resilience is underrated. . . Having a teeny midlife crisis

I'm at a weird age where everything shifts. They say we have a whole new life cycle every 7 years physically and every 9 metaphysically. I'm in a new cycle this year.

Most of my friends have kids. . . I'm having a young-ish midlife crisis. I'm not ready to quit on any of my dreams, but living in the actual world that we live in my opportunities are going down. Especially as an actress in a time where the industry is in an awful transition. So am I. I hate how we treat women like objects that devalue with time as a society as we have more and more to offer before we forget our own names. . .

The other thing is that I don't want to do all of the things I could. I now have to factor in my health, mental health, husband, dog, potential kid, my nature, my love of freedom, my dignity, pride, and sense of saftey when making decisions. . . not to mention things like healthcare and tax structure.

Do you feel like life is getting in the way of who you want to really be and what you want to do? Me too.

I love myself and know myself pretty well. As painful as truth can be, knowing my preferences and limitations while keeping some of my feral childlike wildness and creativity is what keeps me alive.

In therapy I know that my face lights up when I talk about Acting, writing, directing, producing etc. It also lights up when I talk about my roses, hosting, costuming/ embroidery, events planning, interior design etc.

I've been feeling a little weepy the last few days. (Thanks hormones) Why did everything have to be sooooo hard?

It took over 20 phone calls to get into a clinic that can shrink a thyroid node down without needing a second surgery. That was after almost 20 calls to mayo clinic for 5 months where they never had an opening.

I'm really really struggling with paperwork right now. I HATE paperwork and lately I feel like it's all I do.

A 1930s murder mystery dinner has been my hyperfocus lately. I was obsessed with getting the right folding tables. When I couldn't sleep from anxiety, I did a seating chart. (I'll do a whole post on the party) Don't worry! My Mom is coming to visit and I want to bring some novelty and good people into her life!

I feel like I have been so dissapointed by life lately and so beaten down as a ferocious, sensitive, creative soul in this world. I feel misunderstood and absolutely exhausted. I also suspect I might have sleep apnea which would explain a LOT!

Also, I'm on of the bravest people I know. All of these extreme hardships I've gone through and all of the times I've picked myself back up and have tried new things have made me who I am. I've lived in 6 states now.

I've been through cancer. I broke my own heart more times than I can count in order to not ruin my life longterm. I lived with undiagnosed Hashimotos thyroid disease, pseudo cushings, PMDD and ADHD for years and had to advocate for myself and beg for doctors to believe me. I know when something is off.

I lost my Dad last year. We were close. I got hit by a driver who went 70 through a red light and I nearly escaped death and being t boned into the drivers side by seconds. . .

We moved to a place out of state where everything felt wrong and went wrong. We were only there 8 months and we are GOOD at assimilating normally.

The Los Angeles and Pasadena Area were my home for 9 years. I went through 3 terrible managers, minimal opportunities, and one stage show. I built my business up to minor celebrity level and was in the media a lot.

I met my awesome husband through a mutual pal on facebook even though we lived 10 minutes apart both just of of sunset boulevard.

I feel like a failure in so many ways. I see wicked people doing really well and treating other people like dirt and still have the general public fooled. I don't want to act like a victim or a survivor of everything I'm going through and have been through. I just want to feel like myself again!

My husband wants a baby. I do to. Kind of. I don't romantisize it though. I know how hard it is and will be on my body, freedom, sleep, mental health, and identity.

It's very hard to imagine adding more pressure on the top of the boiling pot I'm in feeling like I'm running out of time in so many ways.

We live somewhere I feel invisible AND too much. I long to be somewhere I'm seen and valued.

As the secretary of a new costuming association I found out about a dream job. . . It truly is perfect for me. Working for someone else always makes me kind of sad though. I've been self-employed for 14 years now.

I've only briefly bartended since and it was a mild disaster. . . I felt like saying I'm getting too old for this shit. The training was a joke, we weren't treated well, and they couldn't keep staff on to save their lives. The place had a terrible reputation locally in the rest of the bartending community. I was a bit underemployed and it was not fun for me at all. My values are people. Theirs was I have no idea. Power and control? It didn't help that I'm older (and more experienced) than most of the staff there. I was trying not to quit every minute because of the SAG strikes impacting my ability to make money as an actor that year. It was the one time in my life they wouldn't work with my schedule AT ALL and basically asked me to resign. I've only been that happy leaving a job a few times in my life.

Now I'm asking myself questions. I've been creating content for brands lately. How long will it take me to monitize my 4th 'creative job'? Yes, I'm running my acting, type A-ish, my coaching business, and now content creation as well as my household. I'm tired. It's still not enough money in this economy. Can I somehow take on a creative job at another company without burning myself out or giving away my freedom that I've fought for so hard?! Will they allow me to travel?

My main small business never fully recovered post pandemic. I'm making a living (sort of) but not enough to support my normal lifestyle and pay of debt. Working as hard as I can all things considered.

Somehow I have managed to maintain friendships, and make home cooked meals, work on my health, and go on dates and costco runs with my husband. . . Lately I feel like I'm drowning and like my dreams are feeling a little broken not for lack of effort . . .

I'm trying to be the gracious, creative, brave, resiiliant, beautiful woman I know I am and can be while juggling so many things.

The thing about STAUNCH CHARACTERS is that we rise and rise like the phoenix over and over no matter how much it hurts. . . and eventually something's gotta give. Good things happen to us. . .

Right?

RIGHT?!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN IT. This isn't easy.